Master cleanse

They say "people, places, and things" are triggers for maladaptive behavior. In recent months I've adopted this mantra and have decided to undergo a master cleanse. Not the insane diet, but a detox of the toxins in my life... those that come in human form. 

The irony in all of this is that as the year began, I promised myself to take a different approach to socialization. Those who know me understand me to be a pretty guarded individual and I wanted to work on that. So I decided to be more trusting and let more people into my world. I can't say that my experiment was a success. Actually, I think I now trust much less, if that's even possible. 

The result... I woke up one day and realized that these relationships that require so much effort and constant evaluation are simply not worth it. So it was time to purge... rid myself of the toxins these individuals introduced into my soul. There are still some works in progress... as some toxins are harder to get rid of. Still, every day my spirit feels lighter.

All about me...

A friend pointed out that she's been checking for my blogs and noticed that I've been pretty quiet since kick-off. She's absolutely right... it's been a pretty hectic couple of weeks. You know the kind where you experience every imaginable emotion... and then some. I learned a few lessons along the way. So I guess you could say that everything that went down the last couple of weeks was what some call "a blessing in disguise." I can assure you that I felt far from blessed as everything was happening but now that the storms have somewhat settled, I can say that I believe it was all for the best. As they say, "everything happens for a reason." I'm not entirely sure what the reasons for everything were but I have faith that it was all in my best interest. 


So here I am now in the tail-end of my "lessons." It's hard to learn from experiences when you're not entirely sure what the intended lessons were, but I'm making do. One lesson that stands out, however, is my need to be more selfish. Now, I know that many (myself included) joke about me being complete self-centered and all that jazz. However, those who are truly close to me know that I am a very selfless individual. If I love you, I am always there for you, no questions asked. That's just who I am. Unfortunately, I mistakenly believe that that is how others are too and as such, I am often disappointed. As I reflect on the past I can recall countless situations where I have been there for people... gone above and beyond to help them overcome whatever they were facing.... made myself available time and time again because it's just not in me to see the people I care about hurting and sit back and do nothing. Yet, I've come to realize that those efforts are not always reciprocated. Now, don't get me wrong. I am not there for others with the expectation that at some point they will have to reciprocate. I am there because I want to be there... it's my savior complex. Still, I can't help but feel disappointed when I see some of those people turn a blind eye when I find myself struggling with circumstances.


I listen to people's problems for a living. Honestly, I'd rather not have to do it when I'm "off the clock." My job drains me emotionally and when I come home to more of that, I often feel depleted. These days I feel like I have reached my quota. I've been giving and giving to everyone but myself for way too long and now, well I simply have no more to give. So when all sorts of things started going wrong, I had nothing with which to care for myself because my resources had been completely taxed by those around me. Where are all those individuals who took regular withdrawals from my resources? Who knows. I can tell you they were not necessarily rushing to make deposits. Yes, there were a few people that I can say were a source of support through some trying times... but those people were not necessarily the ones who depleted me in the past. I get it... we all have problems and it's human nature to be egocentric. And that's what I learned I need to be. I need to focus on myself, and what's going on in my life, and save the resources I recover to take care of myself because in the end I am all I have. 


See how things work out? If I had not gone through an awful couple of weeks, I would have not come to realize that I need to focus more on my self and less on caring for others. I have many things to finalize in my current job, many things to do in preparation of my new job, my health to attend to, a dissertation to work on, and packing for my August 1st move. So starting today... my priorities are me, myself, and I.

Honesty

I have a friend who considers himself a straight shooter. He tells it like it is (according to him), with no regard to collateral damage. Truthfully, he and I have bumped heads many a time because of his honesty. Still, I wonder how different our lives would be if we all spoke our minds freely. I'm generally very blunt... I have no qualms about stating my opinions and speaking my mind. If you're pissing me off, you will know it at some point or another. However, when it comes to putting myself out there and truly letting people in to my world by way of expressing my emotions, that's a whole other story. The bluntness is simmered down significantly and the walls go up. The majority of those around me know that... the second that there is any vulnerability factor, I shut down. Is it the most adaptive approach to life? No. Is it effective? For the most part. So what is it that keeps some of us from being honest with one another? Of course there are those who lie just for kicks, out of malice, and even just outright stupidity. Then there is a large portion who do it to save face, to avoid hurting others, and even more who do it out of fear. 


Fear is an ugly and limiting emotion. I've been guilty of acting out of fear more often than I'd like. The last few years have been chock full of events that have forced me to face some of my fears. Those experiences were both curses and blessings. I learned something from each one. Yet here I am years later still allowing fear to hold me back. As I sat in the emergency room for hours last night I did a lot of what I do best... think. I contemplated some of the decisions I've made, the things I've done, the things I've not done, and the things I wish I would do. I had that cliché moment where I thought to myself "what if today were my last? Would I be content with departing this world as things stand? Do the people who matter most to me know that? Would I have any regrets?" Regarding the latter, yes, I would. Those regrets primarily concern what has gone unsaid and the white lies that keep my vulnerability factor at a low and tolerable level, and those that I believe keep me from hurting others. Bringing us full circle to honesty... 


What if we were all straight shooters like my friend? Granted, I feel that his straight shooting could use some finessing but I think there is something to it. Being honest doesn't necessarily mean being a bitch or an asshole or being hurtful. I truly believe that you can honestly communicate your thoughts and feelings to others in a productive manner. Just imagine a world where people spoke their minds freely and honestly, without fear of being judged, without fear of being hurt, without fear of being rejected, without fear of feeling stupid, etc... How much would complete honesty change your world?

I'm unfaithful...

... To my hairdresser that is! I'm sitting at my local hair salon and like clockwork, this overwhelming sense of guilt consumes me. What triggered it? My Dominican hairdresser commenting on how long my hair has gotten. I know to many that would be good news but my hairdresser knows I've been on a short hair kick for a while now and her comment is therefore a loaded one. The implication is "should we cut it?" My internal response "hell no," what I actually say: "yes, it is... not sure if I want to grow it back out."

So why would that exchange make me feel guilty? Well, it's because I have a problem. I am notoriously unfaithful to my uptown Dominican sisters. Don't get me wrong... I love them but they just don't meet all of my needs. So every now and then I get the itch for something new and I head downtown and cheat. Yes, I am a hair hussie. I can't help it. The other hairdressers offer new trends and excitement. Those flings are short and fleeting. I get what I want from them and then it's back uptown to my main because in short, she knows my hair best and frankly, getting my hair done uptown is more cost effective than getting a stylist to blow dry my hair on a regular basis.

I wish I could be honest with my main. Tell her I love what she does but when it comes to cut and color, I need my jumpoff. However, hearing the disappointment that would result from hearing that she's not enough... I just can't bare to do that to her. So, I'll just have to keep it on the down low, play coy when the topic comes up, and accept the fact that I will be an anxious ball of guilt every now and then when in her presence.