Honesty

I have a friend who considers himself a straight shooter. He tells it like it is (according to him), with no regard to collateral damage. Truthfully, he and I have bumped heads many a time because of his honesty. Still, I wonder how different our lives would be if we all spoke our minds freely. I'm generally very blunt... I have no qualms about stating my opinions and speaking my mind. If you're pissing me off, you will know it at some point or another. However, when it comes to putting myself out there and truly letting people in to my world by way of expressing my emotions, that's a whole other story. The bluntness is simmered down significantly and the walls go up. The majority of those around me know that... the second that there is any vulnerability factor, I shut down. Is it the most adaptive approach to life? No. Is it effective? For the most part. So what is it that keeps some of us from being honest with one another? Of course there are those who lie just for kicks, out of malice, and even just outright stupidity. Then there is a large portion who do it to save face, to avoid hurting others, and even more who do it out of fear. 


Fear is an ugly and limiting emotion. I've been guilty of acting out of fear more often than I'd like. The last few years have been chock full of events that have forced me to face some of my fears. Those experiences were both curses and blessings. I learned something from each one. Yet here I am years later still allowing fear to hold me back. As I sat in the emergency room for hours last night I did a lot of what I do best... think. I contemplated some of the decisions I've made, the things I've done, the things I've not done, and the things I wish I would do. I had that cliché moment where I thought to myself "what if today were my last? Would I be content with departing this world as things stand? Do the people who matter most to me know that? Would I have any regrets?" Regarding the latter, yes, I would. Those regrets primarily concern what has gone unsaid and the white lies that keep my vulnerability factor at a low and tolerable level, and those that I believe keep me from hurting others. Bringing us full circle to honesty... 


What if we were all straight shooters like my friend? Granted, I feel that his straight shooting could use some finessing but I think there is something to it. Being honest doesn't necessarily mean being a bitch or an asshole or being hurtful. I truly believe that you can honestly communicate your thoughts and feelings to others in a productive manner. Just imagine a world where people spoke their minds freely and honestly, without fear of being judged, without fear of being hurt, without fear of being rejected, without fear of feeling stupid, etc... How much would complete honesty change your world?

I'm unfaithful...

... To my hairdresser that is! I'm sitting at my local hair salon and like clockwork, this overwhelming sense of guilt consumes me. What triggered it? My Dominican hairdresser commenting on how long my hair has gotten. I know to many that would be good news but my hairdresser knows I've been on a short hair kick for a while now and her comment is therefore a loaded one. The implication is "should we cut it?" My internal response "hell no," what I actually say: "yes, it is... not sure if I want to grow it back out."

So why would that exchange make me feel guilty? Well, it's because I have a problem. I am notoriously unfaithful to my uptown Dominican sisters. Don't get me wrong... I love them but they just don't meet all of my needs. So every now and then I get the itch for something new and I head downtown and cheat. Yes, I am a hair hussie. I can't help it. The other hairdressers offer new trends and excitement. Those flings are short and fleeting. I get what I want from them and then it's back uptown to my main because in short, she knows my hair best and frankly, getting my hair done uptown is more cost effective than getting a stylist to blow dry my hair on a regular basis.

I wish I could be honest with my main. Tell her I love what she does but when it comes to cut and color, I need my jumpoff. However, hearing the disappointment that would result from hearing that she's not enough... I just can't bare to do that to her. So, I'll just have to keep it on the down low, play coy when the topic comes up, and accept the fact that I will be an anxious ball of guilt every now and then when in her presence.