A friend pointed out that she's been checking for my blogs and noticed that I've been pretty quiet since kick-off. She's absolutely right... it's been a pretty hectic couple of weeks. You know the kind where you experience every imaginable emotion... and then some. I learned a few lessons along the way. So I guess you could say that everything that went down the last couple of weeks was what some call "a blessing in disguise." I can assure you that I felt far from blessed as everything was happening but now that the storms have somewhat settled, I can say that I believe it was all for the best. As they say, "everything happens for a reason." I'm not entirely sure what the reasons for everything were but I have faith that it was all in my best interest.
So here I am now in the tail-end of my "lessons." It's hard to learn from experiences when you're not entirely sure what the intended lessons were, but I'm making do. One lesson that stands out, however, is my need to be more selfish. Now, I know that many (myself included) joke about me being complete self-centered and all that jazz. However, those who are truly close to me know that I am a very selfless individual. If I love you, I am always there for you, no questions asked. That's just who I am. Unfortunately, I mistakenly believe that that is how others are too and as such, I am often disappointed. As I reflect on the past I can recall countless situations where I have been there for people... gone above and beyond to help them overcome whatever they were facing.... made myself available time and time again because it's just not in me to see the people I care about hurting and sit back and do nothing. Yet, I've come to realize that those efforts are not always reciprocated. Now, don't get me wrong. I am not there for others with the expectation that at some point they will have to reciprocate. I am there because I want to be there... it's my savior complex. Still, I can't help but feel disappointed when I see some of those people turn a blind eye when I find myself struggling with circumstances.
I listen to people's problems for a living. Honestly, I'd rather not have to do it when I'm "off the clock." My job drains me emotionally and when I come home to more of that, I often feel depleted. These days I feel like I have reached my quota. I've been giving and giving to everyone but myself for way too long and now, well I simply have no more to give. So when all sorts of things started going wrong, I had nothing with which to care for myself because my resources had been completely taxed by those around me. Where are all those individuals who took regular withdrawals from my resources? Who knows. I can tell you they were not necessarily rushing to make deposits. Yes, there were a few people that I can say were a source of support through some trying times... but those people were not necessarily the ones who depleted me in the past. I get it... we all have problems and it's human nature to be egocentric. And that's what I learned I need to be. I need to focus on myself, and what's going on in my life, and save the resources I recover to take care of myself because in the end I am all I have.
See how things work out? If I had not gone through an awful couple of weeks, I would have not come to realize that I need to focus more on my self and less on caring for others. I have many things to finalize in my current job, many things to do in preparation of my new job, my health to attend to, a dissertation to work on, and packing for my August 1st move. So starting today... my priorities are me, myself, and I.
